The calm of a hurricane's eye.

it's been 10 years since I stared to dive into the spiritual world. it's been the same amount of time since I learned about the changes one can apply on the self, the ability to see clearly what makes us tick, what makes us feel and react the way we do, I notice that with meditation I actually found my true self.

for many years now I have drifted from the social ring I used to dominate, I faded away, I figured that people change and sometimes they don't but you do and you simply don't function equally as you used to around them, I believe everyone can identify with this matter.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't lose the spark of life or the buzz of madness or the need to socialize and be a part of society, it's just that I realized that in my youth I really needed social acceptance and when I was left alone to my thought I would go crazy, I would fear my own mind and would do anything possible to not face them, I would run and hide and use any substance available to keep them thoughts and feelings away, the only Way I would be able to even tell you that I love you was when I was totally drunk or stoned out of my mind, and my gosh, was I ever drunk and stoned.

today, not using these substances I find myself alienated in many occasions, most of the time I bring it on myself and find a way to simply walk away from lack of interest or sheer boredom, I learned to value my time and to spend it wisely on the things that make me happy and can bring a positive outcome to myself and hopefully to my close surroundings, I sure do try and I am positive about the fact that most of the people I call my friends thinks I am a little weird, it's ok, I can live with that, there is always love under the table and you can be sure that the next time you look into my eyes you will see something special that took me 10 years to find for myself.

So, I am like the calm of the hurricans's eye, I am ready to take on the world and I will do it gracefully and without a notice, sometimes I am indeed a storm in the making but the past years I learn to shine bright with almost a transparent quality, well, if you see me on stage you will understand the value of incognito atom bomb, like a flower, I am like a ghost, unnoticed till I open up and show you what I am all about....

fade in and fade out...not a moment to lose....

Unleash the inner Artist...

So..

it's time, no more kaka poopoo mister nice guy, watch the lines, keep inside, sit down and wait kind a shell of a man. it's time to stand up and out, with no audience, with no need of acceptance, with no desire to be approved, just you, just me, just myself expressing my being for the sheer pleasure of self awareness thru art and music.

what's the point to do things for the respect of other, do we live for acceptance? do we do the things we do for appreciation from a follow man? can we enjoy our own doings for only us to see? is there a point to keep secretes? your best work yet? your master piece? collecting dust in the basement...

why am I here? why cant I stop doing those things that I call mine? if I take a picture and no one will ever sees it, will I still love it? will I look at it again? or the fact that someone hates it or loves it makes me feel alive?

Powerful question for a late night session.
I am laying on the floor for hours now, listening to Patti smith talking about NY city and the speed of thing that happened in her life, she moves in a mystical way...

I lay down for hours, looking at the ceiling, letting my mind expand on passing words and sounds, I understand that most of the things I do are to please another, my expectation are far beyond realization, I am a dreamer but lately I would love a cup of reality. simplicity, aloneness drives me to enjoy my own company, I should be my best friend, you should too.
Imagine humans happy doing their hearts desire without the need to be approved by another, unaffected by opinions and critics, contant people, moving to the beat of their own hearts, enjoying eachother and themselves for the simple fact of being...

What a day that would be, mmm, maybe I am losing my mind...
Are we afraid to be true to ourselves? what is this crazy social pressure? it changes faster then the seasons, its impossible to keep up, it's a suicidal quest! I'm dropping out, I believe we are capable of being equally strong, passionate and hungry for personal achievement, that we can do it for the pure love of doing, living, letting it out and keep on driving down the road, the path which is personally ours.

I think all this containment is what keeps us losing our minds, having heavy hearts and sick relationships, being nice, what is that all about? why not just being true, for once!

why not?!

Lifting weights on our hearts.

You know, sometimes I wonder why are we here, why we wake up in the morning or after noon or the middle of the night asking ourselves why, why our we here doing the things we do?! have you ever felt like that?

mmm...

I know for sure that I am not as strong as I used to be, actually I don't know anymore about when or where I was stronger or weaker, dose it really matter? dose anyone watch us with a strength meter? checking if we pass the bar, ridicules, everyday is different, everyone is different, life is organic, one day I am high on life and one day I cant even get out of bed!

it's like I am on a weird experiment of the self, going high, going low, learning about myself and letting go, finding god and losing it all again and wake up sad and by the end of the day I feel alive and special, some days take forever and some pass by like minutes, sometimes I wonder why I take so much in when I know nothing here will last, no point on lifting weights on our hearts...no point...we must be easy....we must....many things are going to happen and change and we need to have nothing on us but smiles and lightness...

I tell you, living alone far from home is amazing, scary and full with emotional rollercostars, I will never change a thing about my choices in the past, I will always be able to see the positive side of things, I can feel a shift of personality, my anger is fighting but I am stronger, I have no need for it anymore...

life is a process, a case study if ever you had one, a quest of personal adventure, a river of choices, one drop at a time...

So, don't lift weights over your heart, it is better off as it is..light and pumping free...

Impact No impact.

'No impact man' is a simple man who woke up one morning and decided to stop pointing the finger at the world and start taking personal actions about ones impact on the environment. 'no impact man' can be anyone, it can be you and it can be me and I do believe most of us do care about our environment and health. it's a personal choice to change ones life and for me it's a crucial choice once one is aware of his surrounding and the simple fact is that we don't have another home planet. this is it and if we don't take care of it we will surly end up in a very very dark

So, who is 'No impact man'? well, his name is Colin Beavan and until a few days ago I had no idea about his existence, with the help of his family, friends and co workers Colin decided to make a documentary titled "No impact man" which will embark on a personal project of clean living and minimizing his impact as much as his possible can.

The film is overwhelming and very real in it's essence, the fact the we barely notice how much waste and energy we use on a daily basis is alarming and the idea to change our way of living is easier said then done. Still, I don't think we have a choice, we must change and wake up to the sound of the universal alarm clock, I know it requires us to give up a few precious forms of comfort but for the sake of the next generation to come, it has to happen.

check Colin's Blog 'No impact Man Blog', it is very honest and it will help you get an idea about your environment and our impact on it. You should also check the film, it's pretty good and it will defiantly make you think about your actions and reactions.

The contrast of my heart.

Right, this is a warning, do not read this, you might find something you might like, so, if you want to join in on a passionate emotional roller costar, then, read.

My heart as of this very moment is broken, smashed, demolished, deformed and colorless.
It is no longer a part of my body, it is dead, it is empty and a complete waste of space in my ever burning chest, I am simply waiting for it to vanish completely before I do. one of us will fade away and the other will follow behind. it's a match made in hell and I am on my way to heaven to meet my maker only to see her from outside the gates, for I never had the key to enter, I never had a chance...

ok, now that I got your attention, let's talk about creative writing.
everything I just wrote is true but no longer applied, I simple closed my eyes and took my memories and emotions to a very dark place of my existence, for a second, I was actually there and indeed, death would be a gift but, lucky for me, I am completely fine at the moment, and so is my heart, I just wanted to share something very personal with you, I also wanted to show you that we are all in a position to remind ourselves of our dark or bright past and powerfully enough we can remember and experience events that happen and are now long gone, we can bring them back and I am sure you are doing this a few times a day, do you remember a painful moment? a blissful one? I know you do.

My point is, you are the master of your mind, the guard of your thoughts, you can swim in old memories until they will cloud your awareness completely, you will live in the past, you will be far away from here and from us, you will be gone in your own little prison of choice or, you can look back from a different perspective and realize that past is past and right here, right now is pretty much all you got, so, why spend any more time on bringing back sadness or happiness if you can create a fresh, real experience right this very moment?

Indeed, a good question is on the table.
My trick is to write, to meditate, to think, to paint, to click on this and that, to talk, to share, to run and hide and eventually pop right back and.....most of all....let go. how will I ever fill my hunger for new experiences if all I do is swim in the past? how will I ever learn if not by looking at the mirror and embrace the awareness of who I am? do you know who you are?

I can spend days writing things that will make you cry and love me or I can spend days writing things that make you love me and cry, what would you like? why do we cry? why do we love? is this a human thing? is this a proof of being alive? dose this bond us or split us apart?

mmm....deep deep I go, deep deep, I come back....

I think I am a thinker.

So, I am a thinker.
I spend most of my time thinking, many spiritual souls told me ' Adi, you think too much!' which is a basic notion telling me to simply chill out and let things unfold naturally, this is a good advice but I also learned that by thinking I get to where I am and who I have become to be, who I am is what I think.
when you live alone for many years you find yourself thinking, thinking awareness, thinking about what you are thinking and actually taking the time to value and rethink what you think. you find time to dive into though, to see it in it's full spectrum of colors, to actually realize a thought and make it a visible form of existence. there is a saying that goes ' I think, there for I am' and to me that stands for everything I value.
all my choices, all my actions, all my feelings and the awareness of this world and my inner self, all of it started with a thought...and the more I think about it, the more refine my thought process gets and believe it or not, the more alive and aware I become...

so, I think I will continue thinking like that and get deeper and refine it until it will make sense to me and with a little luck I will be able to express myself to you and maybe, just maybe you will get my thoughts and start to trigger your own...

you think?

I'm swimming in tears.

O my sweet lord.
look, I am a sensitive spirit and it's been many years now since I started to look straight in the face of issues I never thought I would care when I was younger.
for the past decade I decided to change my life from been an ignorant little prick to an active human being with a positive attitude and a caring heart, this is taking me every minute of my time here on earth and I am not even close to be the man I dream to be or look in the mirror.
I care about many issues which most of the people around me simply look the other way, it breaks my heart on a daily basis to see how we as a collective amazing species can reach such a high level of self destruct, not to mention the globule environmental damage we are creating with pretty much every action we ignorantly do.

there isn't a day I don't cry for one rezone or another, mostly from shock and embracement of what I know and that I am only one here trying to simply, be good.

If you notice that some of my posts in this blog contain video clips about the world we live in, they are painful, shocking and very personal sides of truth reflected in different forms of self expression thru media, they are very important to me and many others they don't like the way things are going on this beautiful blue planet which either way you look at it, is it and always be our only home.

I notice that ignorance is a plague among us and many (just like myself many years ago) are blind by the main stream current of the secret agendas of the money manipulators. I for one cannot take it or hold my mouth and eyes closed pretending things just don't happen and that everything is going to be alright...i wont be able to live with myself knowing I know something and didn't do anything about it, to me, that is pissing into karmas eye! it will definitely come back to hunt me...i am sure about it.

so, again, as you can I am emotional about this, I am human under these masks, I am a soul that vibrates, I care. I know one a small percentage will care like I do or even be moved by the scenes I see in my mind, I know little about a lot and I spend time everyday to find out more and more about the truth and the masks covering it. I know no one will read this (crossing fingers hard!) or care about it but I cant just simply not write about it. If the people who did all those movies, or wrote those books, or songs or made their most power efforts to tell the world what they saw and experience would just simple give up then we will all be lost in an ocean of our own confusion, we will never learn about the world and the people in it, we will lost, blind...

so here I am again trying to share something.
I just saw a documentary titled 'the cove', it's a shocking powerful film, here is a little info about it: The Cove exposes the slaughter of more than 20,000 dolphins and porpoises in Taiji, Japan every year, and how their meat, containing toxic levels of mercury, is being sold as food in Japan and other parts of Asia, often labeled as whale meat. The majority of the world is not aware this is happening as the Taiji cove is blocked off from the public. The focus of the Social Action Campaign for The Cove is to create worldwide awareness of this annual practice as well as the dangers of eating seafood contaminated with mercury and to pressure those in power to put an end to the slaughter.

After seeing this I had to write what you just had read, watch this movie if you can. I know you are a very busy person but I am sure even you can take a minute to think about your daily actions and how they ripple your home and environment.



if you want to know more go here: http://www.takepart.com/thecove

Why am I in love with Photography.

OK.

Don't know quite how to explain myself about this wide subject but I will give it a shot(get it? a shot?!?boy I need a girlfriend)...

I guess for me, the possibility to stop time and eternalize a moment is very powerful, like a superhero hidden force of some kind. I find it amazing, the idea of capturing a fragment of reality and stretch it's existence for further study. True, I do sound a little clever here, even for my own standers, don't worry, I shell expose myself fully.

I don't remember how I got into Photography or even when or where it happen, as far as I can remember, it all started yesterday or the day before I came into this world, maybe the day I realized I have eyes or the minute I saw something and wished I could look at it forever...

who really knows?!

What I do know is that I am obsesses with it, I cant stop clicking, I still think I am a little man, low self esteem and far far from being called a Photographer, don't worry, I will get over it one day. I notice that since I started traveling I had no way to communicate with the people I care about and even less options to show them what happened to me on my path of choice, that's where Photography started to make sense to me, if I cant tell them then maybe I can show them?
I realized that when something amazing happen to me the first person around me will get the full ensembled piece of story but the second and the third person will get a shorter version and so on and so on, until the story will pile itself up into a few lines with no expression on my face. Photography is perfect solution for this case, the picture is not a story but it can be an amazing continuance of that specific experience you wish to show and tell about, plus it saves me a lot of words and wasted time, they say one image worth a thousand words, and believe me, it's true! maybe even more, who's counting anyway?

When I was younger I had serious problems expressing myself to people, the words never seem to come out right, I guess I had deep problems with confrontations and so called 'feelings', as I grew I notice that I don't have to use words to tell people how I feel, I can use Art, Music and lately, yes, Photography! I found it's a brave way to share one's life and every shot I take means something to me, you can really peel me layer by later by looking at my photos, you can see how I title them and expose parts of myself to the world(my emotional state, not my body parts, well, maybe sometimes, if needed I will reach that level also).
I want to tell the world what I see and since I don't have time to talk to everyone all the time I use Photography to communicate. I find it's so easy to explain things by pictures, as a heavy dyslectic creature (I use a spell checker all the time, if I try to write this without it you would think I am 9 years old...mmm, maybe 7!) I find it much easier to just show you want I mean then to try to blast everything with words and hand gestures...

so, are we starting to understand each other? good!

life goes by pretty fast, damn fast if you ask me, have you ever cried looking at a movie? a special moment that reached your heart? all the way down to the core? have you ever felt so happy while listening to a song? something you cant explain but simply triggered an emotional reaction that moved you? well, that is what I am all about and everything I do is to reach that reaction, I am here on earth to move you and I expect you to do your best to move me...if the only way I know we are here, alive.

So Photography for me is a tool to move, to get you closer to your inner feelings, a tool for you to see me in shades you didn't even know exist, it a way for me to show you how I see you, how you effect me, how this world unveil itself to me, I want you to understand me and I will do what ever it take, it's true that I don't expect you to get me or my art but you cant blame me for giving it my best shot, right? it's like an addiction for clarity, an addiction to be appreciated maybe, my gosh, you see how I opened up here...my god, writing is a blessing in disguise.

I know I can write more and more about Photography (I'm sure in the future I will go even deeper on this) but, I notice now that it's only a tool, a tool to be understood, a vessel of self expression, a means to an end of a starting point that can connect me to you and the rest. There is no better or worst photographer and no matter how good or bad your gear is (and trust me, I feel super small when I bump into a photographer with lenses that are bigger then a subway sandwich and always and I do mean ALWAYS feel like a kid with a broken toy in a sandbox full with kids with the newest toys, I know, low self esteem, thank god I don't let this get to me too much!) , it's all about the moment, the click and the ripple effect it cause on a personal basis, that is why you too can reach that level, in any form of self expression, personally I want to know who I am and the fact that I can find out about myself with different form of expression makes me wake up in the morning...

We all win here, the object and the man behind the cam(unless of course you use your art to lower someone else's existence, sadly this also is a form of self expression but I am not really sure it's a positive one or bring fruits, who am I to judge anyway, I am 7 years old!).
Nothing lasts, even photos fade, and no one can stop time, I guess photos do stop it for a short moment, creating history as we go deep into the future, I do know that we are incharge of our emotions and we can go back to each part and bring back joy or pain, I use photography as a trigger to my awareness and Hoping that one day someone will figure me out...

Click!

P.S
I didn't write for a long time and I see that it takes time to get in shape so excuse me if this is a mishmash of my personal blah blah, I do know now one is reading this so I am telling myself to get sharp so it would be easy for me to understand myself, boy o boy, I need a girlfriend!!!

Sunshine Frost.

Right.
I live in a little room attached to a music studio out here in the woods in a little village called Saint - Colomban, Quebec(which is in Canada, Google it!).
Now, to most of you, that last line meant absolutely nothing!
So let me explain, i moved here about a year ago from the Netherlands (that's in Europe!!! Google it!), now, I can write an hour about my life there but I think it's too much for one reader! slowly but surly I will open up to you about my life but for now all you need to know is that I wanted a change and Canada sounded like the perfect medical solution! and it did...or did it?
Anywho, I got here because my band (spoonliquor, Google it!) decided to record it's first album in this music studio I have mention before, and we did, when we finished they when back to the Netherlands and I decided to move here, I fell in love with this place, or maybe I had enough of my life back in Europe, only god knows! The idea was that they will come one day, that day is still pretty vague but, well, I am still here...or am I?

so, what a boy to do? I guess I started to simply fill my time with the things that make me happy, and creative (signs of fear of being bored maybe?), and today I found myself sitting for an hour staring at the sun, letting it melt on my face, looking outside the studio window, looking at all the white and woods around, looking....looking...doing nothing but breathing....

Felt very much alive and out of my element, felt bloody good and for some rezone, I forgot where I was or the point of it all, I guess you can call it peace or bliss or eternal connection or maybe just a good vibration....

so, I decided to shear it with you, nobody you. how lucky you are right?
what I have learned from this experience is that it's really not important where you are or how far (or close) you are from your dreams. Bitterness, anger, envy, sadness, all of that nonsense can melt, melt and fade away with a blink of an eye, the point it, you need to make it go away, no one else will do it for you, it's very personal, and very powerful if you think about it...

I notice that I spend too much time swimming in waste thoughts, really, what's the point? none! The fact that everything melted in the sun was a beautiful form of awareness to me, it also melted my dreams and desires which felt even better then the melting of my negativities...kind of a freedom only a true soul can be aware of...once again, it felt good.
The fact that I am in full control on this feeling made me happy, the face that I don't even need the sun to reach this awareness made me peaceful, the face that everything melts and that I don't need to reach a specific level of struggle or fame made me contact, made me enjoy the moment...

made me be here, now!

so, that's that.

now what?...................I tell you what, sharing! that's what!

Should I write or should I go?!?

Ok.

I now have realized that I have this blog for 4 years, my gosh how time flies.
as I looked into my blogging I notice that I post many links that impressed me concerning the world we live in, this is all good but it's not really writing about me personally now is it?
true! it's not, so, I guess I think I should start writing more a little about myself, honestly I don't think anyone read this but lately many people told I should write, like, really write since they read pieces of my mind and they believe I might get somewhere doing it more often...

so, to whom it might concern, here I am, starting to write a little more!

what do you think?

Adam Curtis and his way of seeing things..

Adam Curtis (born 1955) is a British television documentary maker who has during the course of his television career worked as a writer, producer, director and narrator. He currently works for BBC Current Affairs. His programmes express a clear (and sometimes controversial) opinion about their subject, and he narrates the programmes himself.

Basically, I love his movies, powerful and right up in your face! check them out, open your mind a little...take a walk on the dark side of your mood...

you can find most of his work here: http://www.rewtube.com/

I would recommend you start with these 3:
The Trap (2007)
The Power of Nightmares (2004)
The Century of the Self (2002)

here is a taste!

...THE PLANET DOCUMENTARY...

Powerful and moving.
I believe it's important for us humans to check and recheck our actions and reactions. time is running out and what we enjoy toady might not be there tomorrow.

There is only one planet and it has its limits
Swedish documentary 'The Planet' 2006 By Michael Stenberg, Johan Soderberg and Linus Torell.

A real must see. This documentary lays down facts, figures, and themes regarding the state of the planet in a very accessible way. As a previous reviewer said, it is more "intense" than an Inconvenient Truth, but I hardly think any of the concepts presented are hard to take in - in fact, due to the number of interviews, the film manages to take the viewer through a range of issues regarding the state of the planet, without ever losing focus of its basic message - that we must do something NOW. A well put together soundtrack enhances the narrative. Well worth the watch. But god, we've really stuffed this planet up. (taken from IMDB)