The calm of a hurricane's eye.

it's been 10 years since I stared to dive into the spiritual world. it's been the same amount of time since I learned about the changes one can apply on the self, the ability to see clearly what makes us tick, what makes us feel and react the way we do, I notice that with meditation I actually found my true self.

for many years now I have drifted from the social ring I used to dominate, I faded away, I figured that people change and sometimes they don't but you do and you simply don't function equally as you used to around them, I believe everyone can identify with this matter.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't lose the spark of life or the buzz of madness or the need to socialize and be a part of society, it's just that I realized that in my youth I really needed social acceptance and when I was left alone to my thought I would go crazy, I would fear my own mind and would do anything possible to not face them, I would run and hide and use any substance available to keep them thoughts and feelings away, the only Way I would be able to even tell you that I love you was when I was totally drunk or stoned out of my mind, and my gosh, was I ever drunk and stoned.

today, not using these substances I find myself alienated in many occasions, most of the time I bring it on myself and find a way to simply walk away from lack of interest or sheer boredom, I learned to value my time and to spend it wisely on the things that make me happy and can bring a positive outcome to myself and hopefully to my close surroundings, I sure do try and I am positive about the fact that most of the people I call my friends thinks I am a little weird, it's ok, I can live with that, there is always love under the table and you can be sure that the next time you look into my eyes you will see something special that took me 10 years to find for myself.

So, I am like the calm of the hurricans's eye, I am ready to take on the world and I will do it gracefully and without a notice, sometimes I am indeed a storm in the making but the past years I learn to shine bright with almost a transparent quality, well, if you see me on stage you will understand the value of incognito atom bomb, like a flower, I am like a ghost, unnoticed till I open up and show you what I am all about....

fade in and fade out...not a moment to lose....

Unleash the inner Artist...

So..

it's time, no more kaka poopoo mister nice guy, watch the lines, keep inside, sit down and wait kind a shell of a man. it's time to stand up and out, with no audience, with no need of acceptance, with no desire to be approved, just you, just me, just myself expressing my being for the sheer pleasure of self awareness thru art and music.

what's the point to do things for the respect of other, do we live for acceptance? do we do the things we do for appreciation from a follow man? can we enjoy our own doings for only us to see? is there a point to keep secretes? your best work yet? your master piece? collecting dust in the basement...

why am I here? why cant I stop doing those things that I call mine? if I take a picture and no one will ever sees it, will I still love it? will I look at it again? or the fact that someone hates it or loves it makes me feel alive?

Powerful question for a late night session.
I am laying on the floor for hours now, listening to Patti smith talking about NY city and the speed of thing that happened in her life, she moves in a mystical way...

I lay down for hours, looking at the ceiling, letting my mind expand on passing words and sounds, I understand that most of the things I do are to please another, my expectation are far beyond realization, I am a dreamer but lately I would love a cup of reality. simplicity, aloneness drives me to enjoy my own company, I should be my best friend, you should too.
Imagine humans happy doing their hearts desire without the need to be approved by another, unaffected by opinions and critics, contant people, moving to the beat of their own hearts, enjoying eachother and themselves for the simple fact of being...

What a day that would be, mmm, maybe I am losing my mind...
Are we afraid to be true to ourselves? what is this crazy social pressure? it changes faster then the seasons, its impossible to keep up, it's a suicidal quest! I'm dropping out, I believe we are capable of being equally strong, passionate and hungry for personal achievement, that we can do it for the pure love of doing, living, letting it out and keep on driving down the road, the path which is personally ours.

I think all this containment is what keeps us losing our minds, having heavy hearts and sick relationships, being nice, what is that all about? why not just being true, for once!

why not?!

Lifting weights on our hearts.

You know, sometimes I wonder why are we here, why we wake up in the morning or after noon or the middle of the night asking ourselves why, why our we here doing the things we do?! have you ever felt like that?

mmm...

I know for sure that I am not as strong as I used to be, actually I don't know anymore about when or where I was stronger or weaker, dose it really matter? dose anyone watch us with a strength meter? checking if we pass the bar, ridicules, everyday is different, everyone is different, life is organic, one day I am high on life and one day I cant even get out of bed!

it's like I am on a weird experiment of the self, going high, going low, learning about myself and letting go, finding god and losing it all again and wake up sad and by the end of the day I feel alive and special, some days take forever and some pass by like minutes, sometimes I wonder why I take so much in when I know nothing here will last, no point on lifting weights on our hearts...no point...we must be easy....we must....many things are going to happen and change and we need to have nothing on us but smiles and lightness...

I tell you, living alone far from home is amazing, scary and full with emotional rollercostars, I will never change a thing about my choices in the past, I will always be able to see the positive side of things, I can feel a shift of personality, my anger is fighting but I am stronger, I have no need for it anymore...

life is a process, a case study if ever you had one, a quest of personal adventure, a river of choices, one drop at a time...

So, don't lift weights over your heart, it is better off as it is..light and pumping free...

The contrast of my heart.

Right, this is a warning, do not read this, you might find something you might like, so, if you want to join in on a passionate emotional roller costar, then, read.

My heart as of this very moment is broken, smashed, demolished, deformed and colorless.
It is no longer a part of my body, it is dead, it is empty and a complete waste of space in my ever burning chest, I am simply waiting for it to vanish completely before I do. one of us will fade away and the other will follow behind. it's a match made in hell and I am on my way to heaven to meet my maker only to see her from outside the gates, for I never had the key to enter, I never had a chance...

ok, now that I got your attention, let's talk about creative writing.
everything I just wrote is true but no longer applied, I simple closed my eyes and took my memories and emotions to a very dark place of my existence, for a second, I was actually there and indeed, death would be a gift but, lucky for me, I am completely fine at the moment, and so is my heart, I just wanted to share something very personal with you, I also wanted to show you that we are all in a position to remind ourselves of our dark or bright past and powerfully enough we can remember and experience events that happen and are now long gone, we can bring them back and I am sure you are doing this a few times a day, do you remember a painful moment? a blissful one? I know you do.

My point is, you are the master of your mind, the guard of your thoughts, you can swim in old memories until they will cloud your awareness completely, you will live in the past, you will be far away from here and from us, you will be gone in your own little prison of choice or, you can look back from a different perspective and realize that past is past and right here, right now is pretty much all you got, so, why spend any more time on bringing back sadness or happiness if you can create a fresh, real experience right this very moment?

Indeed, a good question is on the table.
My trick is to write, to meditate, to think, to paint, to click on this and that, to talk, to share, to run and hide and eventually pop right back and.....most of all....let go. how will I ever fill my hunger for new experiences if all I do is swim in the past? how will I ever learn if not by looking at the mirror and embrace the awareness of who I am? do you know who you are?

I can spend days writing things that will make you cry and love me or I can spend days writing things that make you love me and cry, what would you like? why do we cry? why do we love? is this a human thing? is this a proof of being alive? dose this bond us or split us apart?

mmm....deep deep I go, deep deep, I come back....

Should I write or should I go?!?

Ok.

I now have realized that I have this blog for 4 years, my gosh how time flies.
as I looked into my blogging I notice that I post many links that impressed me concerning the world we live in, this is all good but it's not really writing about me personally now is it?
true! it's not, so, I guess I think I should start writing more a little about myself, honestly I don't think anyone read this but lately many people told I should write, like, really write since they read pieces of my mind and they believe I might get somewhere doing it more often...

so, to whom it might concern, here I am, starting to write a little more!

what do you think?

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